Day and night I have only tears for food, while my enemies continually taunt me, saying, "where is this God of yours?"
Psalm 42:3
This past week it has been building up. A building up of sorrow and heart ache. I don't know how many of you are in this very predicament as I am. The predicament is a growing frustration at God that I am waiting to be married. It's been a good bit since I've confessed my pledge of abstinence. That road has been a long joyful, painful, instructive and stumbling one.
It all started when some personal addictions came back to the surface, coming to a head one Saturday evening. I just sobbed and punched my pillow in discontentment. I told God that I was upset with Him. Why haven't I met my future husband yet? I feel ready yet I don't. I feel so unsure and yet sure. I told God that this waiting is driving me crazy!! What's the point?!
God please!!
Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad?
Psalm 42:5
I know I've felt this way plenty of times. What's different about this is that I'm getting older. Okay; I'm only twenty-five so that's still very young. I guess there's this pressure though that time is running out. Seeing friends and family getting married (especially when they're younger then me) is almost embarrassing in a way. I really began to doubt whether I heard from God or if it's just me making this up. Am I waiting on hot air?
This morning the last straw that threatened to break me was when my Mom showed me that a young friend has a boyfriend now and that Valentine's day is this month. I took it out on my Mom and on one of my sisters. I told them how angry at God I was. I fumed and spewed some mean and nasty remarks that were not necessary. I didn't care at the moment. As the morning went on and my legs felt pretty pumped from all the walking (we were on our daily walk). I noticed the sky was so beautiful. The clouds had traces of pink and gold and I saw a glimpse of the moon (which is one way that God reminds me of His love for me). I could see evidence of His love for me but, I didn't want it at that moment. Even earlier I heard Him trying to whisper words of comfort but I bitterly shut Him up. I kept telling God to back off. I felt that what if God was making me wait because of what I've done and what's happened to me? What if no good man will ever want me? What if I'm destined to be alone?
After the walk, God's spirit lay heavy on me. Not one of condemnation but of quiet understanding. He seemed to say ;"I know. I understand how you feel. Just hold on." Then I remembered what I read the evening before going to sleep. It's Elisabeth Elliot's book 'A lamp for my feet.'
Being very much of the earth-earthy- we always want tangible, visible things-proofs, demonstrations, something to latch onto. If we always had them, of course, faith would be "struck blind." When Jesus hung on a cross, the challenge was flung at Him: come down! He stayed nailed, not so that spectators would be satisfied (that miracle, His coming down, would have been a great crowd pleaser), but that the world might be saved.
Many of our prayers are directed toward the quick and easy solution. Long-suffering is sometimes the only means by which the greater glory of God will be served, and this is, for the moment, invisible. We must persist in faith. God has a splendid purpose. Believe in order to see it. (Then she posted 1 Corinthians 4:17,18 at the end of it)
Even though this is really hard, there is a reason for it. God is not punishing me because of my past. And He is not punishing you either. All this waiting will come to fruition. I am excited about the day when I meet my future husband. But, what I desire most out of waiting is that God's name will be glorified.
I am counting on the Lord; yes, I am counting on Him. I have put my hope in his word.
Psalm 130:5
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